Zakk Wylde, My Birthday Present

A lil vid of me!!

Good morning Majestany Institiute!!!!

I have a new job....
I am on reception (part time) at The Majestany Institute, Moncton campus. A little job to quash my 'bored housewife syndrome', get me back into the world of Aesthetics and earn some pocket money..... a job that this week, successfully delivered the most amazing, unusual/hilarious/weird phonecall I think I shall ever receive!!

Whilst at my desk on Thursday the phone rang (nothing unusual about that, it does it all the time!)
I answered, quickly and politiely.
The voice on the other end said "Mrs Graham?", "yes" I replied........"can you do me a favor?"
Not 100% sure which student this was, but totally confident that it was a student (Majestany Institute is a Hair and Aesthetic school) I told the voice that I would help if I could......

Then it just got WAY weird.....the voice (which was completely serious and totally deadpan throughout the whole conversation) said "I'm stuck in the flush (toilet) and there is no paper, can you bring me some?......"

To say I roared with laughter would be an understatement, but I did so as I got up from my chair and headed to the washroom. Still howling hysterically I passed toilet paper to Amanda (I had realized who it was by now).
Upon leaving another student appeared, also close to hysterics and announced that Amanda had also texted at least two other students to inform them of her plight and ask for help, of course they were so busy laughing about it and sharing the text that poor Amanda had been left sitting on the throne for a little longer than perhaps she had liked.....

Still a source of great amusement the following day, I found out that my laughter was SO loud that Amanda had heard me not only on her cell phone but also in the building through 2 closed doors.....

Awesome!!!

DJ Am (Adam Goldstein)

I was watching the VMA's (MTV video music awards) last week when some rapper guy (I have no clue who he was, there seem to be so many...I know it was not Jay Zee) dedicated his song to the above mentioned Adam Goldstein.

What really pissed me off was the fact that he waxed lyrical about the guy.
(Now he was probably really nice, but he obviously had issues and yes, that is plural!)

Why then did he not also mention to the millions of children and teens watching the show that he had been (and was at the time of his demise) a drug user.
Why was this opportunity not used to reinforce the fact that using crack will ultimately put you in an early grave. Why was it not stated that there are alternative ways to work out your issues.
Why was this guy even mentioned?????

I know he was someones son, brother etc. But for fucks sake, lets stop glamourizing this culture of drug taking and alcohol abuse.
Get this into perspective, share the fact that drug use will kill you and show the deaths of these 'celebrities' as an example of what NOT to do. It may have more of an impact.

At the very same awards show Madonna gave a lengthy and pretty fucking boring speech about Michael Jackson. (Another very troubled person, however one with infinately more talent than Mr AM)
Seemingly at some point during this speech she forgot why she was there and managed to talk for a good five minutes about (you guessed it) Madonna, who incidentaly has got a new single out which sounds exactly like all the stuff she did in the 80's. Some people should just learn to give up gracefully!!!

Where the hell has my spellcheck gone........ I'm posting without correcting then!!!

Dieppe aquatic centre. Dieppe, New Brunswick

What a total crock of shit.


Yes people I am angry, infuriated, pissy...in fact I am downright fucking raging!





This weekend will see the grand opening of the brand new aquatic centre in Dieppe, New Brunswick.





Here are some reasons I will not be attending.

I absolutely refuse to pay 10% more than the residents of Dieppe.

Who the hell do these people think they are (the council, not the residents)?For one thing you have absolutely NO right to ask me for proof of my address and for another I don't see a single resident of Dieppe being asked by the residents of either Moncton or Riverview, to pay 10% more when they visit a local bar or attraction, etc.

I know, lets charge the residents of Dieppe to cross the Gunningsville bridge..

We live in a community that has a large influx of visitor during the summer, they are NOT going to appreciate that bollocks for a second.

I will not, nor have I ever since I was in school wear a fucking bathing cap.

Over the summer I swam in hotel pools, Centennial beach and several fabulous beaches in the area. Not once did I wear a bathing cap and I am female. How many men can you see wearing a bathing cap...We are not in the 19th century in New Brunswick..or are we? Next we will all be required to wear a one piece bathing suit!

Of course if I were completely bald this wouldn't be a requirement. (Is this just my head hair that is being referred to, I wonder?)

What if I am a totally bald guy (or girl, lets not discriminate here) who is hirsute over the rest of his body? Will he/she be required to wrap himself in plastic wrap before entering the pool?

When is this pool actually catering to the needs of the public? I checked the schedule and it seems that it will only be open for approximately three hours a day.. What the fuck is that going to accomplish?

When I lived in Sherwood park, AB, the local pool and fitness centre was open from 5.30am until 11pm(it still is!). This was a project similar to the aquatic centre in Dieppe, but for $8million more there were ice rinks, a fully equipped, state of the art fitness gym, two indoor soccer pitches, a concessions area, an indoor children's play area, an aerobics facility and there were two pools, a steam room, a lazy river, a sauna, a wave machine, a children's wet play area(I could list more but I have provided a link). Childcare was available for a small charge, giving tired Moms a chance to have some me time.

Click on the link to take a peek!

http://http//www.strathcona.ab.ca/Strathcona/Departments/Recreation+Parks+and+Culture/Indoor+recreation/Millennium+Place/default.htm

The entry charge was approximately $8 per adult $5 for a child. For this fee you could stay all day and use all the facilities.

When exactly do the powers that be expect they will turn a profit, or at the very least earn back the hard earned money of Dieppe taxpayers?

It's not as if they turn the pool off to save money when the frigging thing is not open to the public. It is operational 24/7 unless it is being cleaned!

Have they even considered the huge amount of revenue that could be gained from Moms and pre-school kids, day cares, the folk who like an early morning swim before work, seniors in the retirement years..... again, the list could go on.

This has been a farce right from the word go and in my opinion is just a banal attempt at one upmanship.

Well let me tell you Mr Mayor of Dieppe, your attempt is a downright fucking failure.

When it is convenient Dieppe, Moncton and Riverview make sad and pathetic attempts to appear as a united front however if (lets use the Casino as another example) one gets something the others wanted, pacifiers are spat and feet are stamped. Residents are made to suffer and taxes are squandered so that you can once again do one better.

If this had been the money of a private investor deadlines would have been met and we would now have a fabulous fitness centre/pool/community centre that was open to the public when they need it, not when it is convenient.

Below is a link to yet another frivolous spending spree. While on a much larger scale it just goes to show what politicians are able to get away with while spending other peoples cash!

http://http//www.scottish.parliament.uk/business/research/pdf_res_notes/rn01-64.pdf

Finally, I would really like to know how there can be over 300 children signed up for classes and there is already a waiting list, when the facility is not yet open and I have not seen a single newspaper/website advertising services anywhere in the area, nor have I heard a whiff on the radio?

I suppose that none of the children pre-signed are related to Dieppe councillors or their friends and family?

I'm not going to rant on. it's pretty fucking pointless really, the damage is done and another $16million of hardworking taxpayers money has been frittered away by irresponsible pricks who really should know better.

I hope they remembered to claim back their lunch and business expenses while they were working on this project.........

Plastic surgery

Tattoo Man announced on Friday that he was considering surgery to remove his wrinkles..

Without hesitation I grabbed the sticky tape from the kitchen and proceeded to perform a procedure.

Of course I was almost pissing my knickers during the whole thing, but the results were (and this is my own personal opinion) pretty impressive and there was no pain or cost involved.

Botox is absolutely overrated and scalpels should be deposited into the sharps disposal immediately.

Sticky tape is where it's at!!

Peeling the stuff back off was pretty bloody hilarious too.

Look, no frown lines....

Summer

....has seemingly arrived and gone again, without so much as a whisper of "I'm bored" from the 9 year old.

A constant supply of friends to hang out with helped immensely, along with a huge amount of space to wander in and explore.

It would appear that this latest house move was a stroke of genius, unfortunately I cannot take the merit for that and must give the credit to Tattoo man (bugger, bollocks and bitches)

Summer didn't go quite as smoothly as I'm letting on though.

I was unlucky enough to be the driver of my SUV when a young boy ran out from behind a stationary vehicle and collided with said vehicle.

Fortunately he wasn't seriously hurt and it has made me a bit more 'aware' of any movement than I would perhaps like to be while I am driving (and while I am a passenger in any vehicle)

Because of this Shakka had to miss 3 days of summer school at the Theatre, which she wasn't too happy about, but she will doubtless make up for it.

Tattoo man and I managed a whole 2 day break away to attend a fabulous wedding in St. John NB at the end of August.

I have been to lot's of weddings, but never one like this. The whole thing was in the Theatre and it was just unique.

It was very strange being away from Shakka, even for 2 days and she called me in tears on the Saturday with very real signs of homesickness and missing her Mom.

I got up the next morning at 4.30 to go and collect her...yes Mommy was missing her girl too!!

We spent a fabulous day at Riverglade watching the MotoX, resulting in the purchase of a 110cc Kawasaki (pronounced ca wa ski if you are a 9 year old!!), which was ABSOLUTELY necessary, honestly Dad... Tattoo man and me (despite the weight restriction) have had several outings, but alas, Shakka is terrified to ride the bloody thing..is now a good time to say I TOLD YOU SO..

LOOK OUT Kijiji, here I come!!!

Blog has not been too forthcoming, but it`s been as hectic as hell. Not that I'm complaining, this summer has been pretty fantastic.

I will try and step it up a gear once I have completed the final step of my immigration paperwork (citizenship) after the small people have returned to their learning institutions!!

Now I have to apologize, my keyboard has gone funky and is putting the wrong comma`s etc in the wrong places..but you`ll have to live with it!!

HALLOWEEN...bring it on

Mortgage Mayhem

Whew. What a hectic few months. But life is back on a level and it's time to vent!!

I have tried on several occasions to sit and compose a blog or two, this one at the forefront, but unfortunately moving house and all the bullshit that was being thrown (and dodged........ not without an increase in blood pressure, I hasten to add) interfered with my concentration and ability to put words in an orderly and sensible manner.
Plus, I was so busy unpacking an arranging that I hardly picked up the PC!!!

Let's start at the beginning....
An offer on our last house. Albeit a very low one, over the course of the weekend increased to a reasonable number, although I am not sure where the request for my leather reclining love seat (I said no) and then my elliptical machine (are you serious??) fit in... You can keep my curtains, I won't need them where I'm going!!

OK, so an accepted offer. Then a dash to put in an offer on what is now our new home (and fabulous it is I have to say)

So an accepted offer on the home we were to purchase ensued and I called our mortgage co.
I was told that we should have financing in place by Friday at the latest (this was on the Tuesday) but was still waiting on the Monday and I had called the Mortgage co. several times at this point. Of course they don't work weekends!

Tattoo man and I couldn't decide what amortization to opt for at this point so we asked for a quote on 18 years, 15 years and 10. Easy you may think, but that is when the shit hit the fan and started flying rapidly around the room.
The house we were purchasing is outside City limits, but locally is not considered particularly rural, as it is a house lined street and has electricity.
Also, it was for sale privately, not listed on MLS and no REALTOR was involved in the sale, or purchase. Not a problem......... I used to be a REALTOR.
At this point I was informed (although nothing was mentioned on my written quote) that I would need to have an assessment/ appraisal on the price which would cost me $275. The mortgage co. would order this for me.
This was done over the course of the wrangle that was ongoing, but I was not allowed to see the result even though I was going to pay for it, because it had been ordered by the mortgage co.

I don't fucking think so!!

I am already not happy. I know the value of the property as I have compared local properties for sale, besides isn't a property realistically worth what someone is willing to pay!
So, Tattoo man and I re assess and decide that we will take a longer amortization. Bring it on.

Not only will we now need an assessment/ appraisal, call it what you will. But now CMHC will be requiring approximately $2,000 because of the longer borrowing period and because the property is rural and not listed on MLS......EH???

OK, so let's revert to the original plan.

Amazing though it seems we will no longer be required to pay CMHC.
What kind of drugs are you people taking?? You are now telling me that because I am taking 4 years of my borrowing time that my property is no longer rural and is seemingly listed on MLS??

NO

Well that is what it sounds like.

This malarkey lasted a total of 2 weeks, with Emails from the mortgage co. (most of them with incorrect figures, grammar and spelling) and phone calls from the mortgage co. which included childish sniggering from the agent involved and a general lack of respect!

I was fed contradiction after contradiction and was even at one point told that CMHC always required some security payment from purchasers in Windsor, ON. I live in NB and there is no auto industry anywhere near here, so where the crap is that comparison relevant....oh I know, Windsor, ON!!!

Almost at breaking point I was talking to a friend who suggested I visit her Mortgage Consultant at the local bank. I did and was approved for a mortgage on the spot.
NO CMHC payments, no assessments/ appraisals and a much more favorable interest %!!
UN freaking real.

I headed home and Emailed my current provider to inform them that I would no longer require financing on the purchase of my new home.......only to receive 3 additional calls over the next 2 days telling me that the paperwork had been processed for the original agreement (which had not been accepted because I had changed certain things and initialed them) and forwarded to my lawyer......
So on the 4th call I handed the phone to Tattoo Man......

As a result of cancelling my mortgage at the point of sale I was required to pay almost $4,000 in interest accrued and $250 for 'administration', I did not pay for the appraisal and rightly so.
My new mortgage is at a significantly lower rate of interest and my contact is easily accessible and more to the point....local and despite the fact that I borrowed more that I did for the last mortgage, to cover the penalty required by the last lender, I am paying less out each month.

A lesson learned the hard way perhaps, but showing me the real side of large financial institutions, who quite obviously take advantage of people less savvy that myself and Tattoo Man on a regular basis.
Never again will I borrow (or attempt to) any amount of money without being physically able to sit in an office with the representative of the company I wish to borrow from.
It's pure and total insanity to even contemplate such a thought and a serious health risk in my opinion.

Now if you will excuse me for a while, I have to write to the ombudsman................

Waiting...patiently

While I await the closing day on the sale of our house I am a little at a loss for writing.

You see I really need to get down on here a situation SO unreal that I still don't believe it, but I do not want to jinx the house sale and therefore I am forced to wait just a little longer to get down my (now unscrambled) thoughts on the matter.

That said moving day is coming ever closer and I am still not particularly organized.

For the past 5 weeks or so life has moved at lightning speed.

Shakka has been in rehearsals for the production of 'Petcudiac' (which is being performed on Saturday June 6th at The Capitol Theatre, Moncton) at least 3 nights a week and 5 this week!

http://www.capitol.nb.ca/

Tattoo Man has been working ridiculously long hours(and that is NO joke...I'm talking upwards of 15 a day here people) and I have been dealing with financial, removal, theatrical and educational matters on a whole different level than the norm!

Tattoo Man also spent the day in a recording studio two weekends ago and the result was 11 of his song's (YES the man is multi talented) finally down on CD. OK there is tweaking needs to be done, but the overall result was pretty damned fabulous!

A holiday is really needed by all at this point, but there is no time! Tattoo Man has actually booked a week off work for the first time in 4 years. Needless to say at least one of those days is already planned out by the arrival of AC/DC, playing their ONLY outdoor gig in North America on their Black Ice tour.

Mentally, I have already moved into our new home and am planning out a few changes here and there, so I am really no longer interested in the house we currently live in.

School is almost at an end for another year at which point 11 weeks of "when do we go back to school" and "I'm really bored" start a repetitive cycle.. enough to drive even a totally sane person gaga. I am of course half cooked to begin with so what frigging chance do I have?

I want to say that during this mayhem I managed to get a hall pass to attend a gig at Moncton Coliseum on Friday. Disturbed were the headlining band, but I only saw them perform two songs and they really don't do it for me.

However...Art of Dying, from Vancouver (the band featured in my previous blog) were there to open the show.

http://www.artofdyingmusic.com

They kicked serious ass.

Not only are they great live, but they are also a great bunch of guys who really deserve to be headlining their own tour.

Here's a little pic of me with vocalist and writer Jonny Hetherington!!

OK, enough of the free blog publicity!

SO....with everything being so breakneck right now, blogging is on the back burner until we are moved into our 'new' abode.

I'm under no illusion that there will be happenings that will be cause for blogging at a later date. Nothing EVER runs smoothly during a house move, but until that time I shall take the time out to concentrate on the matters in hand...all 45 of them!!

It's been a while

It indeed has been a while since I got my creative crap together and sat down to write a blog.
The reason for this being that we had an offer on our house, which in turn led to the rapid need for re-housing and a sprint to put in an offer on one which Tattoo Man has had his eye one for quite some time!
Timing being what it is we just made it, as two more 'tentative' offers came in on the same weekend!! Whew......

Strange to think the offer came in after just 3 views, when in the previous 2 years it had been listed twice, with a glimmer of hope on one occasion which led to a big load of nothing.

Also strange was the fact that this time we really didn't need to sell, when before, with Tattoo man working 200 miles away and a conditional offer on another property we just couldn't pull it together.

My friend (& REALTOR) has always said things happen for a reason and it would appear to me that she has absolutely hit the proverbial nail right on it's head.

Tattoo Man wanted a house with a view, he's getting it. He will be able to see nothing but trees for miles, and miles and..you get the idea!

I wanted nothing more than to be able to put our daughter on the school bus every morning and not fight the cluster fuck that is the school parking lot every afternoon.

The child, well she still wants to go to Disney (there's always one!) and it's in the early discussion stages. We shall see what happens on that subject after we are settled in.

I have to go, there is packing to be done!!

Art of Dying

http://www.artofdyingmusic.com/

Finally, after almost 2 years of asking when?? I am happy to say that Vancouver based band Art of Dying are coming to the East coast of Canada & more importantly MONCTON.

Opening for Disturbed, AOD will be the first of 4 (I hope I got that right!) bands playing Moncton Coliseum on May 29th (Check the AOD website for confirmation on the date!).

Vocalist Jonny Hetherington will have no trouble holding your attention for the AOD set. He is (in my opinion) an incredibly talented lyricist & has an absolutely fabulous voice.

See you there!!

Tampon commercials

WHY??

Most woman of childbearing age in Canada (& indeed the Western world) are well aware that they have periods, menstruate, call it what you will & buy tampons & sanitary towels with a frequency and precision that almost equals the purchase of coffee each morning!

Why then do producers of these necessary products insist upon ramming them down our throats (not literally I hope you understand) during out TV dinners, while we are watching a movie with our children & while Mike Holmes is taking a break from whacking his wood!!

My friend & bridesmaid once wrote a letter to the then English labour govt. demanding Tampons be made FREE. Irrelevant to a point, but it would have eradicated the need for such advertisements!

Tattoo man cringes at such advertisements, as I would imagine do most men.
To them these small, white, expanding wads of cotton are nothing more than an inconvenience, nasty & messy to boot.
They cause blocked toilets & endless hours of plunging, sticking your hand down the lav & wanking!

They do of course serve a purpose while out with friends in the bar, not only are they a serious cause for amusement once dropped into your buddy's nice cold pint (much on a level with dentures), but they sop up spill more rapidly than Bounty could ever hope to!
You can wear them over your ears as jewelry & wow, look how far they fly once sopping wet, not to mention how well they stick to the ceiling & for how long!!

OK, so I may be a little off the point here, but now it's gone too far.
Tena underwear for men??
I'm sure middle aged (& above) men with bladder issues will have already been made aware that there are products out there for incontinence (the wives & Dr's have precedence here boys) & will be sending the little lady off to the drugstore on the QT to purchase them!!

I did once witness a commercial for a Douche in the US many years ago........SERIOUSLY

I am no prude (far, far from it) but let's keep things in perspective, no one wants to watch this while they are drinking a nice cold one or eating a delicious rare steak fresh from the grill!!

We are all grown ups & we all go shopping, if we need it we will ask, if it has wings it says so on the packaging .............
& if you leak unnecessarily consult your GP!!!!

You need an upgrade......

Imagine if you will a deaf English man (& I'm talking hearing aids here people) & a young lady who's first language is NOT English, having a telephone conversation, on a cell with bad reception (out of work hours in at least one case) about how best to upgrade a computer system after the computer has been moved from one location to another!!

So, the first time this scenario occurred it was a little after 7.30pm.
Well after working hours in Atlantic Canada, obviously not in Texas.

Don't they have watches in Texas?? I always thought they had 3 more of everything & it was much bigger & could operate at thrice the speed..... I must be mistaken.

OK, so the instructions on this particular call are simple, if a little misheard at at least one end of the call & a little mis-pronounced at the other!!
It is important that the transferred PC (good job said English Chap is working late at the office today folks, because he has access to both PCs, were he at home that would not be the case!)) & the one already in place are both powered up while the upgrade & transfer of files is occurring. Easy............

Seeing this to be a total failure prompts call #2... during (but only just) working hours this time, reception not great, but hey, we'll give it a shot!

What you really need to do is just leave the transferred computer running.Simple........

Yet another fucked up attempt to get this thing running & here comes call #3.
Way beyond a frigging joke this time I'm guessing.

NCIS is on & I have just opened a very nice bottle of Chilean Red, buy a fucking watch & leave us alone!!

I can hear the tension rising at this end of the call.

I am not in my office.....I left them both on the first time, then you changed your mind, so I just left one (I'm loosing the signal & it's 8pm) switched on the second time, I have to (I'm losing you again, can you speak up & a little more clearly, I'm having trouble hearing you) just leave them both on again....is that what you are telling me???

Look I'm not in the office now, yes but we have already tried to do that, can you say that again..... I really can't hear what you are saying, no I don't have access to either of them, I'm NOT in my office, I will call your office first thing on Monday.......

Now, add some pacing, tapping of fingers on kitchen counters & a shit load of eye rolling to that mental image if you will, then repeat the whole conversation for 10 minutes.........
Get the idea yet??

MONDAY
# is dialled........ answer is : I'm sorry we do not recognise the # as dialled please hang up & try again!!!!!!!

I don't have the conclusion to this story.......
I just laughed my ass off at the image of it all.......... apart, you understand, from the NCIS interruption.
Way beyond necessary!!

Thespian........lesbian

Driving back from Shakka's Theatre group on Saturday morning, Tattoo man, Shakka & I were discussing the group.

I happened to say a some point (while sitting at a set of never changing lights & pondering Fish & Chips) that Shakka was indeed a Thespian.....

Quick as a flash & totally serious the voice in the back (cheap seats) of the SUV thundered, "that's not to be confused with Lesbian".........

Let's consider this voice belongs to a 9 year old!!

OK , there were a few seconds of silence followed by hysterical laughter & then my counter.
Lindsay Lohan (possibly not the best choice for a first answer, but current & relevant) is a Thespian, she is also a Lesbian.
Ellen DeGeneres, too. Then there's Rosie O'Donnell.
I have no recollection of how the conversation ended & I'm still asking myself 'why?'

Quotes from Shakka have a tendency to have me rolling in fits of laughter, she's way beyond her 9 years in thought, but I sometimes wish she wouldn't think out loud.

Later on that day we rolled into the parking lot of Kent, home hardware.
Whitesnakes 'Slide it in' is playing in the background.
Of course having heard it so many times I am quite happy to sing along & make no attempt to analyze the lyrics. Not so, Shakka!!
"Hmmm", she pondered, "that's a rather racy song." My reply was that I thought it was quite the perfect driving song. Here she comes again "I thought it was more Penisfect actually Mom"

HELP

When in Grade 2, Shakka was a lot less organised than of late, however showing signs of great mental ability.
As I discussed this with her teacher (Mrs Maher you are great) one afternoon at school end, we got to comparing Shakka with Einstein, scruffy in appearance & possibly not greatly organized, but intelligent, however, before we could finish the conversation, Shakka, standing within earshot, piped up "is that Frank Einstein".....end of conversation, hysterics!!

At the age of 5 (we had recently immigrated) Shakka accompanied me to the local printers to look through some brochures for address cards. At this point she was able to write, not very neatly, but legible. As I browsed, she wrote.
The result of this is as follows

'The sun fills my heart with joy, but sometimes my heart does not unfold'.

The printer shop owner couldn't believe her eyes & I'm still gobsmacked.
Just as recently as 1 month ago the next line was written, in the same manner, out of the blue.
Shakka walked through the kitchen asking for her 'poem' & announced she was going to write the next line.

At least I know that she can write great pieces whilst holding on to her fabulous & ever developing sense of humor.

Life with this child is somewhat frustrating at times, great fun & never fails to surprise me.
I just wish she would learn NOT think out loud!!

Bathroom reno

Laugh..... ? I nearly bloody electrocuted myself !!

SO, on Wednesday of last week, we got the bathtub refinished, it looked fabulous in all it's shiny new whiteness.......... (in a former life it was cream/beige)

But hold up, the baby shit brown paint, cream toilet & mock Gothic fittings (which looked like cock to begin with, which were now inducing mouth vomit even more frequently) remained.

NOTE: The decor was in place when we purchased the house & was not of my/our doing!!

Enough was enough, so Tattoo Man, Shakka n me headed off to Home Depot to purchase the necessary, paint, rollers, tape............. chocolate bars........

At this point work was due to commence on Tuesday, after Easter long weekend, when everyone else was back in school & the office!!

Oh how wrong was I??

We had hardly got through the door (Saturday am) when Tattoo Man started unwrapping & screwing !!!! Conjures up a bright pic don't you think!!

Of course being the anal bitch that I am I couldn't handle the mess & off to work I went, all brush, roller & white paint!! (He had planned that!!)

I am chief decorator in our house, since the spare room underpants happening in Kilmarnock. You REALLY had to be there!!

Did I tell you about my orange kitchen cabinets??? Well, not now, that's a whole different 8 week fuck up!

By end of play Saturday I had all the cutting in up to speed & one coat on most surfaces.

Sunday I was back at her. Shakka & Tattoo Man decided to go watch a movie at this point, leaving me to slog over the bathroom sink.

Coated in a fresh, gleaming coat of white, self priming, latex (what an absolute bastard to apply, but worth the results) paint, the job was almost complete.

Several hours went by whilst we waited for the top coat to dry & then off we went.

Drill & screwdriver in hand we successfully fitted the medicine cabinet quite quickly & with an ease that lured us into the biggest false sense of security, just in time for the electrical!!

Of course we were losing daylight by this point, but it had to be done....& NOW!!!

I'm thinking Tattoo Man had made a return visit to the hardware store at this point to purchase a white toilet, which was installed during the course of the afternoon, following his viewing of Monsters V Aliens!!

The first 'flash bang' occurred on the premier attempt to attach the light fitting. Just that one little bastard wire that had wiggled loose prior to switching the power back on. This wouldn't have happened had we realized the face plate was removable!!! I say we, I wasn't fitting this particular item, but I was in the room. That said, I would have read the instructions first!

Light fitting installed correctly, we trudged on to the switches. These turned out to be fiddly little fuckers, which once again provided us with a veritable fireworks display, resulting in a scorched (well, the size of a pin head) counter top & a case of the shakes & knocking knees for me.

Too close for comfort this time. An experience that almost proved the expression "I'm shitting myself" to be a truth, an absolute truth & nothing but the truth, mlud!!

I'm not sure how many trips to the basement to switch the power on/off had been made at this point, but it was too many, we had NO daylight & an outlet still to wire up.

Flashlights in hand we trudged on. Eventually12.10 am we wrapped up & patted ourselves on the back. All was fine & dandy. I had completed a 15 hour day, which had also included cooking supper & 2 loads of laundry & I was well & truly buggered, knacked, fucked!!

After a well deserved shower (the next morning, I didn't have the energy even to do that after all the palaver) I plugged in the hairdryer with the intention of styling my barnet.......but alas, we had wired the outlet wrong & it was not forthcoming with even the slightest amount of power!

Back to the drawing board for me then. At least this time I was able to see what I was doing, I had read the instructions & I wasn't so dog tired that I couldn't think!!

The end result is fabulous, even down to the Mike Holmes anal grout.

A bathroom worthy of any prospective purchaser. Of course it would have been put off even longer were we not selling & I would still be baulking at the baby shit brown!!

For those of you in England............................

(or driving there through Europe en route, where I have no doubt you will experience at least 1 day of rain!!)basking in glorious sunshine, here is a small taste of what the Canadian skies decided to dump on us in Moncton, New Brunswick, CANADA over the course of Monday March 30th & Tuesday March 31st 2009.

The previous weekend we had seen a considerable melt of the already existing snow, only to be plunged right back into the depths of hell when this little lot arrived.

When I say little, I may be slightly out of touch...................................

32Cm's of the white shit settled if I am to believe reports.

Tattoo man & I had been discussing barbecues & beer on the deck just the previous day......so obviously it was going to snow again!

Of course it is forecast to rain for the next few days, so that idea can once again shove itself right up it's own arse!

Fortunately we are once again experiencing temperatures above freezing & the sun is making a more frequent appearance, therefore melting said white stuff quite rapidly.

Unfortunately we had just washed the car on Sunday so it once again looks as if it has been used as the lav by a water buffalo with stomach flu!!!

Possibly made worse by my ABSOLUTE refusal to shovel any more than half of the driveway, making it SO much easier for snowplough residue to once again attach itself to the fabulousness that is my (well OK ,our Santa Fe)

Back to the car wash again then!

At least while it is raining this weekend it will be helping eradicate the now turning brown, white stuff.

A little ditty........... Frosty the Snowman, he's a BIG pain in the arse

He dumps himself in my driveway, it really is a farce......

As usual, I could go on, but really, why bother. It's a waste of time & creativeness & everyone is already WELL aware of how I NEVER want to see any more snow AGAIN.....EVER!!!

Drive through dilema

You may think that the drive-through should be idiot proof, you order your food, drive through, pay & collect........but in my experience NOT SO!!!

Many are the times I have arrived home after ordering at the drive-through of McDonald's, A&W, Wendy's or the 'Great' Tim Horton's (I could name more but these particular culprits are repeat offenders!) to find I have been provided with a short order, I'm missing a bagel, my nuggets are invisible or my baked potato is naked......not loaded!!

This seldom happens these days, because I am that bastard sitting in the car in front (& fuck you asshole, don't be so impatient, I know damned well that you will do the exact same thing) who checks my order before leaving the parking lot!!

In light of this, I have decided to throw a MASSIVE wrench in the works.

Tattoo man (yes he is once again partly responsible for the content of this blog) & I were discussing what would happen if we were to order a medium 'double' on our next combined trip through the glory hole that is the Timmies drive-through.

My first thought (actually it was more of a vision) was the absolute look of horror (not that I would be able to see it, but you get the idea), confusion & panic on the face of the teenage dropout receiving said order..... (OK I could have used, single teen mother with no life skills, politics student or wannabee rock star/ goth in that description, but I didn't want to pick on too many people).

Now the question lies how (if ever) will their brain figure this one out............

Will I get no response & just find the regular old large double double on exit?

How do I check without sipping & contaminating?? hmm difficult, yet another dilemma!!

Perhaps I will have handed to me a small coffee with 2 creams, perhaps I will become the proud owner of a large coffee with two sugars............

Is there a fleeting chance that the person was actually paying attention to what I requested & will actually ask for an order confirmation (possibility .5%) whilst still attempting to filter the previous information through her less than fully functional brain.

NOTE: I know it's sexist of me to use females as an example, but it is rare to see a post pubescent male in such a position, due to the fact that they are usually out getting high with their Buddy's, playing hockey, making use of their fake ID & getting hammered in the bar, or impregnating witless teenage girls in the back of Moms new BMW !!

I do know for a fact that several employees of Timmies in & around the Greater Moncton area are not fully aware of what they are doing when attempting to process similar requests (& this could be due in part to the fact that the 'Nine Inch Nails' track they are listening to through their 'free' ear, which is actually filled with an ipod earphone, is perhaps streaming a tad TOO LOUD)......

EG: Tattoo man drives up to the microphone & asks for a large black coffee, no sugar...only to be answered with "would you like cream in that ?"

On another occasion (only last week) he ordered the very same with a plain donut.

He was asked if that was a medium coffee, did he want cream & was asked again what type of donut??

His reply (& had I been there I would have no doubt pissed myself) was along the lines of "one with a fucking hole in it & a LARGE BLACK coffee!!!!"

OK, so I do know that these establishments also employ decent hardworking & smart people, but it gets harder & harder to tolerate the numpties who really couldn't care less, each & every time something like this happens.

Little wonder wages are minimum in such establishments, really, some of these imbeciles are not worth $2.00 an hour never mind $8.25 (or whatever min wage is in NB)

Not only are they 5 donuts short of a bakers dozen (that's 13 - 5 = 8 FYI), but some have them really could use some lessons on personal hygiene & an etiquette class or two & at times a swift kick up the arse!

I am under absolutely NO illusions regarding the former.

I am well aware that drive-through as we know it is not going to change, I am forever doomed to check my order after repeating myself several times, & that's why I fully intend to follow through with my plan & order my double.

Meanwhile I will continue to hope that these half wit morons wake up & smell the coffee!!!

Have a nice day now..........................................................

House for sale!!!!!!

Ever in keeping with our transient lifestyle , Tattoo Man & I have decided once again to stick a For Sale sign on the front lawn & haul ass to the country!!

Fact of the matter is that 1700sq ft of living space + a basement (800+ additional sq ft) is WAY more space than we need for 3 of us & we would rather have something smaller with a bigger lot!

Yes, Tattoo Man is willing to tend the lawn (of course he will require a ride on mower or a goat!!)



Personally I just want less rooms to clean & cheaper heating bills.



Of course there is the issue of busing to school!!

What self respecting parent really wants to show up at school every morning looking like a cross between Alice Cooper & Ru Paul complete with pyjamas, (or is that just me?) when the little darling can hop on the big yellow bus at the end of the road leaving me free to drink tea & blog!!



Theoretically the selling part is easy. That's why we employed a REALTOR!

Finding an appropriate replacement however, is a total pain in the arse.

I would like 2 bathrooms, NOT 1 1/2.......... 2! I would also like a walk in closet (OK, so not a requirement but it's what I would like!).

I would like to have a pool too , but seriously is it really necessary to purchase a property just because it has a hole in the ground filled with water, that you can (possibly) utilize for 3 months of the Canadian year.

Shakka doesn't want to change schools, which while being perfectly understandable (her school is fabulous as it goes) makes the search a LOT more difficult & hugely limits our choice.

Tattoo Man, well, he is pretty easy to please at this point. He wants a view & a garage!!

Now, back to the sale......... what we need are a steady stream of potential purchasers who will notice once inside that I have taken most of the magnets & photos off the fridge.

They won't care that we have carpet on the stairs & in 2 bedrooms.
Should they notice the 5 ft Motley Crue (circa 1986 & tastefully framed in a VERY expensive leather piece) poster on the family room wall, one hopes that they will smile & relive (In their imagination only) the fabulous era that was Hair Metal, pointing out to their 12 year old that the 'blond one' was their favorite!

As they tread carefully around the drum kit, amplifiers & multiple guitars hopefully they will also notice the air exchanger & the plumbing for the central vac!!
Not to mention the garboretor & gorgeous wood burner.

I'm waiting with baited breath for the remarks about the 'orange' (yes, in a moment (8 weeks actually) of madness last October I painted the oak cabinets orange) cabinets in the kitchen.This can be rectified for not an absurd amount of money!!!



Finally when they exit the garage there is a possibility that they may even make an offer on the '89' Chev Caprice..........

In writing this I would like to make the following points to those of you searching for a house.

The fridge does still function with the pics & magnets. If you dare comment on all the crap stuck to the door you are nothing more than a hypocrite.....I can guarantee that it will be covered with your similarly unnecessary & identically ugly, messy crap within a week of exchange & the fridge WILL still function.
My musical taste is none of your frigging business........think back to your youth, who's posters adorned your wall? Boy George perhaps or maybe Haircut 100.....back to reality people.
My poster is a collectors item!!

Carpet is not distasteful. It keeps my feet warm in the mornings & stops a good percentage of any shagging noise carrying through to the rooms underneath!!

The red garage door makes the house stand out & actually helps to find it during the shit that is a Canadian winter!

If you don't like the light fittings it doesn't fucking matter. Seriously, how many of you sit/stand looking at the ceiling????

On this occasion I feel it inappropriate to continue (although I could & for a LONG time) as I really do want you to feel that this is the perfect home for you, or someone you know & in offending you further I suspect you won't even call!!!

Happy house hunting ;) .......................... Bring it on :)

PRICKS & POLITICS

I know, I know.......... the two go hand in hand a good percentage of the time, but this outburst has absolutely NOTHING to do with Politicians!!!

Rarely do I allow myself to be lured into conversations about Politics........... OR Religion.
This is the case mostly because my Dad (RIP Pops) vehemently advised against it (with specific & valid reason) & more recently because my opinions on such matters are NONE of your goddamn business.

OK, so light conversation on a specific matter may be tolerated by the majority, but seriously this latest situation is becoming harder & harder to ignore, even to the point of NOT using the closest gas station for fear that he who's opinion MUST be heard may be on his shift!!

Here's the scenario..........
Early 20's part time gas station attendant/part time student. (commendable for sure, working & getting an education. Intensely annoying, know it all.......it's a fact)
30 something former businesswoman, immigrant, wife & mother.......(who I may add resembles a throwback from a lost generation on many an occasion) possibly giving off the vibe that I maybe lean to Green or could I possibly be leaning to Liberal or maybe that I have a dysfunction that stops me understanding or even knowing about affairs political, religious & current???
However under NO circumstances could I possibly have conservative values.....Apparently!!

Like I said NONE of your goddamn business, but I urge you...... STOP presuming.

At no point in the past & never in the future will I offer that information to you.

At no point in the past have I asked you to give me your opinion on politics & nor will I, EVER!!

I really couldn't give a shit what you think.

Nor do I care whether you leave the lid up on the toilet, I don't care about your opinion on the weed growers of New Brunswick & I really do not give a fuck if you are studying for a degree in the finer points of needlecraft.

As sure as I am female is as sure as I am that the 4 people in the line up behind me who just finished a long day at work & want to get home for supper & a beer really couldn't give a flying fuck about your opinion either.

What I expect when I enter such establishments is perhaps "Hi, How are you today?", Not for someone to start ramming their opinion on the Prime Minister (Stephen Harper in the case), the leader of the opposition or any other politically involved types on me.
If you want to vote Liberal, go ahead.......... if you want to vote Conservative fill your boots.......
I DON"T FUCKING CARE.

I have my ideals, my opinions & my right to not get involved with your political opinions & ideologies.
Graduate, get a full time job, pay a mortgage for a few years, have 2.4 kids, make the monthly car payment................
Then, maybe strike up an adult conversation with me, relating to current affairs, one that does not involve your blinkered & mislead conceptions of the real world...........

In fact don't bother............I will still want to make my purchase & go home &...................................
I still won't give a fuck.

Light reading for the Mentally unstable!!: Rimming

Light reading for the Mentally unstable!!: Rimming

Rimming

Yes....it says RIMMING!!

& YES, I giggle every time I say the word, read it or type it!!!

HOWEVER....... it's not what you think people!!

In England the national pass time is smoking (cigarettes, although I'm sure there are large quantities of Mr Brownstone inhaled too!)

In Scotland & Ireland the national pass time is drinking...BOOZING if you please.

In Canada the national pass time (at least for 1 month of the year) is rimming.
I'll say it again............. Rimming.

Only in the Great White North could the national pass time have a name otherwise reserved for a sex act!!

I am pleased that this is so. It causes me great amusement, especially as I know a lot of people who have absolutely NO idea what rimming really is!!

Let me explain! Otherwise known as Anolingus, rimming requires the insertion of ones tongue into your partners anus.

NOW you can see why I am in a constant state of hysteria!!

Rimming in Canada is not even remotely similar! (at least not in this case)

Every year Tim Hortons (Canada's premier coffee & donut house) runs a promotion where we, the general public, are required to roll up the rim of the cup you buy your coffee in & see if you have won a prize.

Canada goes into rimming frenzy mode....
Guilty as charged. At least once daily I roll up the rim. I have my daily rimming ritual.

Crazy but true!!

Equally hilarious......

Now all I have to do is find out which country it is that has muff diving as its national pass time!!

Song censoring....what a bunch of s$*t!!!

So, there I am.............. just about to hop in the shower, radio blaring & happy as a spring lamb (OK before it realizes it's about to have its cute little head chopped off!)

The next song starts & fucks me off to no end!!

You & ur hand by Pink, great song to sing along to in the shower......if there are NO words missing.

Let me give you a taste....
****fight, apparently it is NOT OK to say Cock even if it is a male chicken that is being referred to??
****head...........DICK, a shortened version of the name Richard!! OK so it is slang for Willy too, but is Willy not just a shortened version of William?
I don't give a ****, OK so this is the F word, but, why not just dub it with the word crap??

Or not play the song at all for piss sakes, you have ruined it already!!

she thinks that you suck.......SERIOUSLY people, this is a song about jerking off, having a wank, & you can't say the word suck!!

Many many moons ago, my BFF used to play W.A.S.P Animal (Fuck like a beast) on her stereo... loudly.
She would always be on hand to turn down the volume when the F word came up.
As a result, her Mom would sing, 'Cos I ...like a beast' often while cooking supper.
This was of course a great source of amusement to two 14 year olds.......

NOT SO missing 1/2 the crapping song while it is playing on the radio.

Let's face it, people go out & buy these songs on CD & they are NOT censored in your car, living room or after you transfer them to your ipod.

I know that you are always going to get Tipper Gore equivalents out there, get a grip people.
It's a song, half the time people sing along & don't even realize that there are words in it that could be construed as risque.

If you can't handle songs of the 21st Century find a channel that plays Val Doonican & Barry Manilow & SUCK it up.

Let's have the whole fucking, dicking, sucking song....................

Note: I was listening to the radio when I wrote this & the presenter said Wanker at least twice.....I don't get it!!!

Cops n Donuts

Why is it?....... whenever you need a traffic cop there is never one to be found??



Never is this more apparent than when there is 0 visibility, the roads are like Shreks bog & 'Pick up Dick' is driving 40 clicks faster than the speed limit allows in 'normal' conditions........



Twice yesterday I was almost wiped out by the same fucktard in his BIG TRUCK, while trying to make it home safely from the school with my 9 year old in the van!!



Moron mans first attempt to total my van came just after I had watched him flirting with a ditch full of snow, rear end in , out, in.........no he made it...... Bugger.



After managing to save his retarded ass, he then flew past me at great speed down a hill with no more than a foot of visibility (the snow was coming down hard, thick & fast), breaking suddenly as he got past (when he realized his ass was grass...well snow, if he didn't) to avoid hitting oncoming traffic & driving through (& I mean literally) the McDonald's at the foot of the hill!!



Or maybe he slowed to re-light his spliff or adjust his balls.............That will forever remain a mystery!



At the foot of the hill & now ahead of me, he set off with a wheel spin (almost hitting the snow bank in the process) & disappeared into The Great White Beyond..........or so I thought.



When I got to the lights there he was, break lights blazing red, desperately trying to stop while his penis extension hopped, jumped & slid every which way except the correct one!!



I'm sorry did I suggest this guy had a complex about the size of his donger??

Oh well, shit happens.



As the lights turned to green off he slid again, in an obvious attempt to get wherever he was going on time ........or earlier (Late for a court appearance perhaps??)



By the time I got to the next set of lights he was gone, off to scare the crap out of another poor sod, trying as they might just to see where the crap they were going & stay on the road, in weather that really was not fit to drive in.

As I drove slowly down the road ready to hit the home stretch, I just happened to glance to the right & there in the Tim Horton's parking lot was (YUP, it's not rocket science is it) a cop car.



Obviously it was far too dangerous for this guy to be on the road looking out for the safety of the public........

It would hardly surprise me if they had seen Tiddy Tadger hurtling by in his Love Machine & made a comment about what a danger he was in these conditions, but man we are at the front of the line now, so let's get our coffee anyway!!!!



I made it home in one piece. Granted I had white knuckles & was perspiring a tad, but I made it, the next person may not be so damned lucky......................



'Food' (or donuts) for thought perhaps, members of the local force??

Sledding Sunday

Today at the age of 42 Tattoo Man embarked upon his first ever Sledding session!!

I am pleased to report that he had a Ball, but not before some SERIOUS Ball ache!!!

For weeks the media coverage of the Riverview Sliding Hill has been intense, almost too much to bear at times, so we finally decided to check out what all the fuss was about & headed over the river Hill bound....

Not as easy to find as we first thought, we drove around in circles for approximately a half hour, stopping several innocent pedestrians & a cable guy, before eventually finding the over publicized & (you guessed it) CLOSED, Hill!!

Talk about pissed off. After spending quite some time driving around like Morons looking for this place, a place we had hyped almost as much as Riverview Council, we now had to contend with a 9 year old who's day of fun looked to have been brought to an abrupt end & who was making all the appropriate noises to make sure we knew it!!

In an attempt to appease our daughter we headed for McDonald's (it always has a calming almost hypnotic effect), where we decided over some fries to take a swift drive by Centennial Park in Moncton, to see if there might be something interesting occurring there............a stroke of genius as it so happened.

Not only was there a fabulous Sledding Hill (or 2!!) but music, pond hockey, free horse drawn sleigh rides & free Tim Horton's Hot Choc & Donuts, but there was a plethora of Monctons Wildcats ( seemingly a MUST for any occasion if you are in grade school)!!

We had managed to turn a day of mindless driving & annoyance all around into (& I quote) 'The Best Day Ever'.....

Tattoo Man, Myself & Shakka had a scream hurtling down the hill on a $10 Wal Mart sled, often landing in a crumpled heap at the bottom, only to be landed on by 4 & 5 year olds that had mastered this sport so well they looked in disgust as we lay there giggling, soaking wet & in the way!!

Shakka rounded up several groups of hockey players & a Mascot for photo opportunities, I did something I hadn't attempted since the age of 9 & Tattoo Man achieved a first!!

At the beginning of the day I was so freaking annoyed with Riverview & their Council I was ready to write to the newspaper & make a call or two to the Mayors office, however now I want to thank the Mayor & his Co-Hort's for their monumental fuck up!!

Thanks to them we had an awesome day at Centennial Park in the City of MONCTON, not on a pissy little hill in the far reaching (& not very well signed) corner of Riverview.

Zakk Wylde

Me meeting the great Zakk Wylde, Jan 2008....
see I really am a headbanging woman!!!!!

Lez Graham......unplugged

This morning Tattoo Man & myself spent several hours attempting to make him look (& sound )good, whilst capturing one of his new songs for You Tube.

The results are not too too bad, if I say so myself (I was the one with the camera after all!), but I have to admit some of the takes were a lot funnier & way less serious than the end published result.

One whole take consisted of the camera shaking etremely rapidly due to me having a massive fit of giggles, another one has Tattoo Man launching into the first three words of a song whilst way out of key & then almost pissing himself laughing.

(Tattoo man with his favorite girl, not me I might add!!)

A third turned out really well until Tattoo Man finished the song & pulled what can only be described as his 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' face, rendering it immediately useless!!

Unfortunately I will not be posting the takes that were not artistically pleasing to Tattoo Man, but he has allowed me to keep a couple for my own viewing pleasure!!

However...... I will share with you the final pleasing take & would hope you note Tattoo Mans obvious 'constipation' face during the last verse & chorus.....unfortunately this occurs during every song & there is no getting away from it!!!

YouTube - kazzagee's Channel

YouTube - kazzagee's Channel

Facebook | Karen Graham

Facebook Karen Graham

Christmas shopping

YES, you read it correctly, it does say Christmas shopping.....

& on that note, here is what Tattoo man & myself thought we would do this year.



In Canada, during TV commercial breaks, companies (who would probably fail miserably to sell their goods in stores) harass the crap out of the consumer, by attempting to sell their merchandise via the mail!!

I was once convinced that was was a complete load of old bollocks, but having watched so many of these commercials & weighing the Pros & Con's (& after possibly being brainwashed) I may just be convinced that this is a good deal......



"Just give us your credit card details & we will double or even treble your purchase" is often a hook they attempt to grab you with, well, let me tell you, it may have finally worked!!



No more long line ups at the checkout, no sub zero temperatures, no chance of contracting vomititis, streaming snot bugs & man flu viruses in the crowded Mall...............

Just sit in your Lay Z Boy & pick up the phone.



Let me give you some examples of the exemplary gifts people may receive from us this year after much thought & consideration.......................



Snuggie.....A blanket with arms (WHAT, I hear you say??) yes, a garment that is nothing more than a long cardigan (made from 'fluffy' material) worn backwards, superb......... but won't your back get cold, where are the buttons/ the zipper & hold on a minute wouldn't it be a damned sight easier to just put on a sweater........



You really need to see these commercials to get the full effect of how absolutely fucking incredulous they actually are (Maybe watch the Shopping Channel for an hour to get a better idea)



ARE YOU GETTING THE IDEA YET???



Super epoxy.......presented for your viewing delight by the guy with the beard, who shouts at viewers as he supposes they are all hard of hearing (well Tattoo man is, but that's irrelevant)

You too, can spend 10 minutes of your life blending this putty like product together, before sticking it to the back of the shelf brackets, that you will then attach to the wall in the living room. GREAT , but oh dear...... doesn't the surplus product look unsightly bulging out from under the brackets.......

& why, god, why, would you attempt to mould a handle for a mug that has had it's original one snapped off, when they sell new mugs complete in the dollar store for, well $1!! (YES approximately $14 cheaper than the product you are fixing it with!!)



I suppose you could give the broken mug with the product (as a gift) & pass it off as a skill testing game??



Automatic plant waterers.....fill them with water & insert into your plant pots.

In theory a fantastic idea, but I wonder how much water is still inside this little glass beauty when it hits the soil?

Did no one realize that most people watching are probably aware of the facts regarding gravitational pull, & water being a liquid, which when tipped up will land all over the surface underneath it??



I was actually thinking that they would be more useful for consuming a yard of ale, or perhaps even as a gentleman's night potty, but alas they don't have a flat bottom, which in the case of the latter would mean a trip to the bathroom to empty the damn thing, therefore rendering it (yet again) useless!!!!

Now that gives me a great segue.....



Cue next product!!



SHAMWOW, the alternative to kitchen paper, never again spend $20 a month on paper products for the kitchen!!! (That's what they say on the commercial)



Look here mate, I don't know what kind of filth & squalor you live in, but I have a dog , a 9 year old & a husband & I probably use 3 rolls of Bounty a month......... maximum!! ($3, if that!!)



Besides which, if you left the pop (that you are supposedly mopping up in your commercial) under the carpet that you spilled it on it the first place & then attempted once again to clean up said spill,l I think you would come out looking an even bigger tit than you already do, give up & get a real job!!



Hold on a second, this really IS is bollocks.......

Why would I seriously devote more time to this crap, I won't & you know why, only a total fucking moron would actually purchase this shit.



Lets put this into perspective............My 9 year old (yes 9) pulls these commercials apart on a regular basis, even referring to Mr Beard as a 'Referee' on more than one occasion



NOTE: OK so she called him a Wanker, which I do not condone you understand, even if the Referee is a Wanker!!



The rest of us will continue to take the piss relentlessly, while wishing the 'actors' promoting this shit, would disappear off to the Galapagos islands for a well deserved 25 year break!!



Friends & family, you will be getting real gifts once again this year & it looks like me & Tattoo man will be facing another case of Xmas mayhem & viral sharing!!!!



Ho Ho Ho

Not sure how I got here, but I'm here to stay

So, I made it at last.............

It took a while (& a few long distance kicks in the rear, you know who you are!!) but here I am.

Where to start??

Obviously this kind of blog will attract a very distinct type of voyeur.....so I don't need to be too careful with what I write, but how much crap can a person (even one with a potty mind & possible mental health issues) ingest??........

It would seem we are about to find out!!

I think I would like to commence with a short ramble concerning the disruption of the UK in it's entirity, by a few poxy inches of snow!!!

You heard me. 2 inches!!

I am fortunate enough to live in Canada, where it snows......A LOT.

A native of England, I have in recent years adapted to the white stuff & even recently trained Tattoo Man (that's the chosen name for my dear Husband) to use a snow shovel, while I supervise (No easy feat I can tell you! The supervision I mean, training was easy............ a few promises of food & beer & off he went, didn't even need to broach the subject of nookie!)

So understandably, I am perplexed by the hooha going on in Blighty (A native/Military term for the UK) in recent days!!

2 or 3 inches of snow & the country in it's entirety grinds to a halt.......why?

No-one knows, & by the time they figure it out it will have melted & they won't get any more for 5 or 6 years. Relax people, it's just well chilled rain....

Let's put this in perspective....... If you left beer in the fridge for 2 days it would be colder than usual (or would it??), never the less the whole country wouldn't grind to a halt, now would it.....you wouldn't run around like a headless Chicken screaming "my freakin beer is too cold".

Or, your best friend announces his penis is 2 inches long (erect I might add), would trains stop running? all the schools close? would (god forbid) you not make it to the pub?.....I think not..

NOTE:2 inches was used as a comparison to the amount of snowfall in the UK, not because my best friend just announced his tadger was not comparable to the average willy!!

You get my point though (or do you?)

Either way, your life will return to normal when said white stuff evapotates, melts, disappears, get over it, watch some more tv & drink some more beer (or tea if you prefer). This is not Armageddon, you will survive.

GET OVER IT!!