Why is it?....... whenever you need a traffic cop there is never one to be found??
Never is this more apparent than when there is 0 visibility, the roads are like Shreks bog & 'Pick up Dick' is driving 40 clicks faster than the speed limit allows in 'normal' conditions........
Twice yesterday I was almost wiped out by the same fucktard in his BIG TRUCK, while trying to make it home safely from the school with my 9 year old in the van!!
Moron mans first attempt to total my van came just after I had watched him flirting with a ditch full of snow, rear end in , out, in.........no he made it...... Bugger.
After managing to save his retarded ass, he then flew past me at great speed down a hill with no more than a foot of visibility (the snow was coming down hard, thick & fast), breaking suddenly as he got past (when he realized his ass was grass...well snow, if he didn't) to avoid hitting oncoming traffic & driving through (& I mean literally) the McDonald's at the foot of the hill!!
Or maybe he slowed to re-light his spliff or adjust his balls.............That will forever remain a mystery!
At the foot of the hill & now ahead of me, he set off with a wheel spin (almost hitting the snow bank in the process) & disappeared into The Great White Beyond..........or so I thought.
When I got to the lights there he was, break lights blazing red, desperately trying to stop while his penis extension hopped, jumped & slid every which way except the correct one!!
I'm sorry did I suggest this guy had a complex about the size of his donger??
Oh well, shit happens.
As the lights turned to green off he slid again, in an obvious attempt to get wherever he was going on time ........or earlier (Late for a court appearance perhaps??)
By the time I got to the next set of lights he was gone, off to scare the crap out of another poor sod, trying as they might just to see where the crap they were going & stay on the road, in weather that really was not fit to drive in.
As I drove slowly down the road ready to hit the home stretch, I just happened to glance to the right & there in the Tim Horton's parking lot was (YUP, it's not rocket science is it) a cop car.
Obviously it was far too dangerous for this guy to be on the road looking out for the safety of the public........
It would hardly surprise me if they had seen Tiddy Tadger hurtling by in his Love Machine & made a comment about what a danger he was in these conditions, but man we are at the front of the line now, so let's get our coffee anyway!!!!
I made it home in one piece. Granted I had white knuckles & was perspiring a tad, but I made it, the next person may not be so damned lucky......................
'Food' (or donuts) for thought perhaps, members of the local force??
Friday, February 20, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Sledding Sunday
Today at the age of 42 Tattoo Man embarked upon his first ever Sledding session!!
I am pleased to report that he had a Ball, but not before some SERIOUS Ball ache!!!
For weeks the media coverage of the Riverview Sliding Hill has been intense, almost too much to bear at times, so we finally decided to check out what all the fuss was about & headed over the river Hill bound....
Not as easy to find as we first thought, we drove around in circles for approximately a half hour, stopping several innocent pedestrians & a cable guy, before eventually finding the over publicized & (you guessed it) CLOSED, Hill!!
Talk about pissed off. After spending quite some time driving around like Morons looking for this place, a place we had hyped almost as much as Riverview Council, we now had to contend with a 9 year old who's day of fun looked to have been brought to an abrupt end & who was making all the appropriate noises to make sure we knew it!!
In an attempt to appease our daughter we headed for McDonald's (it always has a calming almost hypnotic effect), where we decided over some fries to take a swift drive by Centennial Park in Moncton, to see if there might be something interesting occurring there............a stroke of genius as it so happened.
Not only was there a fabulous Sledding Hill (or 2!!) but music, pond hockey, free horse drawn sleigh rides & free Tim Horton's Hot Choc & Donuts, but there was a plethora of Monctons Wildcats ( seemingly a MUST for any occasion if you are in grade school)!!
We had managed to turn a day of mindless driving & annoyance all around into (& I quote) 'The Best Day Ever'.....
Tattoo Man, Myself & Shakka had a scream hurtling down the hill on a $10 Wal Mart sled, often landing in a crumpled heap at the bottom, only to be landed on by 4 & 5 year olds that had mastered this sport so well they looked in disgust as we lay there giggling, soaking wet & in the way!!
Shakka rounded up several groups of hockey players & a Mascot for photo opportunities, I did something I hadn't attempted since the age of 9 & Tattoo Man achieved a first!!
At the beginning of the day I was so freaking annoyed with Riverview & their Council I was ready to write to the newspaper & make a call or two to the Mayors office, however now I want to thank the Mayor & his Co-Hort's for their monumental fuck up!!
Thanks to them we had an awesome day at Centennial Park in the City of MONCTON, not on a pissy little hill in the far reaching (& not very well signed) corner of Riverview.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
Lez Graham......unplugged
This morning Tattoo Man & myself spent several hours attempting to make him look (& sound )good, whilst capturing one of his new songs for You Tube.
The results are not too too bad, if I say so myself (I was the one with the camera after all!), but I have to admit some of the takes were a lot funnier & way less serious than the end published result.
One whole take consisted of the camera shaking etremely rapidly due to me having a massive fit of giggles, another one has Tattoo Man launching into the first three words of a song whilst way out of key & then almost pissing himself laughing.
(Tattoo man with his favorite girl, not me I might add!!)A third turned out really well until Tattoo Man finished the song & pulled what can only be described as his 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' face, rendering it immediately useless!!
Unfortunately I will not be posting the takes that were not artistically pleasing to Tattoo Man, but he has allowed me to keep a couple for my own viewing pleasure!!
However...... I will share with you the final pleasing take & would hope you note Tattoo Mans obvious 'constipation' face during the last verse & chorus.....unfortunately this occurs during every song & there is no getting away from it!!!
Friday, February 6, 2009
Christmas shopping
YES, you read it correctly, it does say Christmas shopping.....
& on that note, here is what Tattoo man & myself thought we would do this year.
In Canada, during TV commercial breaks, companies (who would probably fail miserably to sell their goods in stores) harass the crap out of the consumer, by attempting to sell their merchandise via the mail!!
I was once convinced that was was a complete load of old bollocks, but having watched so many of these commercials & weighing the Pros & Con's (& after possibly being brainwashed) I may just be convinced that this is a good deal......
"Just give us your credit card details & we will double or even treble your purchase" is often a hook they attempt to grab you with, well, let me tell you, it may have finally worked!!
No more long line ups at the checkout, no sub zero temperatures, no chance of contracting vomititis, streaming snot bugs & man flu viruses in the crowded Mall...............
Just sit in your Lay Z Boy & pick up the phone.
Let me give you some examples of the exemplary gifts people may receive from us this year after much thought & consideration.......................
Snuggie.....A blanket with arms (WHAT, I hear you say??) yes, a garment that is nothing more than a long cardigan (made from 'fluffy' material) worn backwards, superb......... but won't your back get cold, where are the buttons/ the zipper & hold on a minute wouldn't it be a damned sight easier to just put on a sweater........
You really need to see these commercials to get the full effect of how absolutely fucking incredulous they actually are (Maybe watch the Shopping Channel for an hour to get a better idea)
ARE YOU GETTING THE IDEA YET???
Super epoxy.......presented for your viewing delight by the guy with the beard, who shouts at viewers as he supposes they are all hard of hearing (well Tattoo man is, but that's irrelevant)
You too, can spend 10 minutes of your life blending this putty like product together, before sticking it to the back of the shelf brackets, that you will then attach to the wall in the living room. GREAT , but oh dear...... doesn't the surplus product look unsightly bulging out from under the brackets.......
& why, god, why, would you attempt to mould a handle for a mug that has had it's original one snapped off, when they sell new mugs complete in the dollar store for, well $1!! (YES approximately $14 cheaper than the product you are fixing it with!!)
I suppose you could give the broken mug with the product (as a gift) & pass it off as a skill testing game??
Automatic plant waterers.....fill them with water & insert into your plant pots.
In theory a fantastic idea, but I wonder how much water is still inside this little glass beauty when it hits the soil?
Did no one realize that most people watching are probably aware of the facts regarding gravitational pull, & water being a liquid, which when tipped up will land all over the surface underneath it??
I was actually thinking that they would be more useful for consuming a yard of ale, or perhaps even as a gentleman's night potty, but alas they don't have a flat bottom, which in the case of the latter would mean a trip to the bathroom to empty the damn thing, therefore rendering it (yet again) useless!!!!
Now that gives me a great segue.....
Cue next product!!
SHAMWOW, the alternative to kitchen paper, never again spend $20 a month on paper products for the kitchen!!! (That's what they say on the commercial)
Look here mate, I don't know what kind of filth & squalor you live in, but I have a dog , a 9 year old & a husband & I probably use 3 rolls of Bounty a month......... maximum!! ($3, if that!!)
Besides which, if you left the pop (that you are supposedly mopping up in your commercial) under the carpet that you spilled it on it the first place & then attempted once again to clean up said spill,l I think you would come out looking an even bigger tit than you already do, give up & get a real job!!
Hold on a second, this really IS is bollocks.......
Why would I seriously devote more time to this crap, I won't & you know why, only a total fucking moron would actually purchase this shit.
Lets put this into perspective............My 9 year old (yes 9) pulls these commercials apart on a regular basis, even referring to Mr Beard as a 'Referee' on more than one occasion
NOTE: OK so she called him a Wanker, which I do not condone you understand, even if the Referee is a Wanker!!
The rest of us will continue to take the piss relentlessly, while wishing the 'actors' promoting this shit, would disappear off to the Galapagos islands for a well deserved 25 year break!!
Friends & family, you will be getting real gifts once again this year & it looks like me & Tattoo man will be facing another case of Xmas mayhem & viral sharing!!!!
Ho Ho Ho
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Not sure how I got here, but I'm here to stay
So, I made it at last.............
It took a while (& a few long distance kicks in the rear, you know who you are!!) but here I am.
Where to start??
Obviously this kind of blog will attract a very distinct type of voyeur.....so I don't need to be too careful with what I write, but how much crap can a person (even one with a potty mind & possible mental health issues) ingest??........
It would seem we are about to find out!!
I think I would like to commence with a short ramble concerning the disruption of the UK in it's entirity, by a few poxy inches of snow!!!
You heard me. 2 inches!!
I am fortunate enough to live in Canada, where it snows......A LOT.
A native of England, I have in recent years adapted to the white stuff & even recently trained Tattoo Man (that's the chosen name for my dear Husband) to use a snow shovel, while I supervise (No easy feat I can tell you! The supervision I mean, training was easy............ a few promises of food & beer & off he went, didn't even need to broach the subject of nookie!)
So understandably, I am perplexed by the hooha going on in Blighty (A native/Military term for the UK) in recent days!!
2 or 3 inches of snow & the country in it's entirety grinds to a halt.......why?
No-one knows, & by the time they figure it out it will have melted & they won't get any more for 5 or 6 years. Relax people, it's just well chilled rain....
Let's put this in perspective....... If you left beer in the fridge for 2 days it would be colder than usual (or would it??), never the less the whole country wouldn't grind to a halt, now would it.....you wouldn't run around like a headless Chicken screaming "my freakin beer is too cold".
Or, your best friend announces his penis is 2 inches long (erect I might add), would trains stop running? all the schools close? would (god forbid) you not make it to the pub?.....I think not..
NOTE:2 inches was used as a comparison to the amount of snowfall in the UK, not because my best friend just announced his tadger was not comparable to the average willy!!
You get my point though (or do you?)
Either way, your life will return to normal when said white stuff evapotates, melts, disappears, get over it, watch some more tv & drink some more beer (or tea if you prefer). This is not Armageddon, you will survive.
GET OVER IT!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)