Eddie Vedders boner

That is correct.
You are not reading it wrong.

(Although I was not sure whether "boner" warranted a Capital B!?)

The title is a reference to Pearl Jam's front mans knob...Erect to boot!

Recently my gorgeous daughter has made it her goal in life to collect and catalogue any photographic and video evidence of Mr Vedders appendage. So far he has had his tadger covered. My relief is not apparent in my writing, but trust me, it is there!

While I find it mildy odd that my child finds this necessary, there are worse hobbies she could be indulging in and so I choose to leave well alone.

My problem arises (Pun absolutely intended) when said stauner shows it's ugly head at the breakfast table and during AC360.

 Ipods have a lot to answer for!

Please. Keep your erection detection to yourself!

Coughing up a lung, not a smoke in sight!

I have been sick for three weeks.

It has been the most boring, annoying, frustrating three weeks that I have had in a very long time.
You see, I am a 'doer'. I cannot even sit through a movie in it's entirity withough getting up and 'doing' something totally irrelevant.

When I first became sick (I had influenza A, according to my Dr), I had no choice. I was laid up in bed for five days.
The dog and my daughter moved into my bedroom and we all hung out. I was brought food and tea and I watched mindless daytime tv in between lapsing in and out of consciousness.

It sucked and I smelled bad!

Since then I have progressed to what was originally diagnosed as Pneumonia and has more recently become 'chest/lung/bronchial infection with origins/cause unknown, possibly COPD?'.
I have been given antibiotics (they failed to have any effect), a steroid inhaler, which gives me a very dry throat and makes me cough (go figure) and yesterday I was put on some type of electrical steam making machine which contained a cocktail of Ventolin and other breathing type drugs. This made me shake like a south of the tracks, cheap rental property and increased my heart rate to beyond multiple orgasm speed.
I slept for three hours after this. Go figure. I don't even have a Penis!

I am no longer confined to my bed, however I remain unable to 'do' and even climbing the stairs is a  pretty exhausting task.
On attempting a grocery shop at the weekend I was nearing collapse by the time we reached the checkout and was asleep for four hours shortly after getting home.

All of this would be a lot more believable had I not quit smoking almost three months ago! Not exactly a healthy add for giving up the nicotine sticks.

To quote my Mum, from days gone by "it's  not the cough that carries you off, it's the coffin they carry you off in"
Mum, I have to agree. There are a few occassions in the recent weeks that I have to say I have seriously considered what it would be like inside a coffin, brought on by all this coughing!

I am feeling like the light at the end of the tunnel may soon appear, but I am presently sitting still and I just had another coughing fit!
 I am getting better at guiding the Wii control to use Netflix and I now know which neighbours illegally park in vistor parking and on the street during the day.

 I still absolutely think that quitting the cigarettes was the best thing I have EVER done and I would gladly suffer all this again to be smoke free.

 However, I am so fucking bored I may start knitting again.

Art critics

Something that has always pissed me off.

Opinions are like arse holes.

 Everyone has one!

 Why then, does that give these highly opinionated (and usually pretentious and boring) fuckers the right to have more valid, and important opinions than the rest of us?
I like art. In fact, I will go so far as to say, I love art.  I love art in all forms. Music, paintings, photography, theatre, ballet, film, food..... I like it all. Does that give me the right to change my name to Micheal Winner, stand with a glass of really expensive champagne (someone else paid for that by the way!) and tell you that your gravy tastes like shit?
Jamie Oliver, I am talking about your gravy! Well, I am not really. But I am sure that Jamie Oliver would be really pissed off if I was serious. Who the fuck am I to have an opinion on it. It is after all just my opinion and yours is quite possibly very different.
Jamie Oliver, your gravy tastes great, this guy over here said so.

You see where I am going with this?

Even if I have a degree in Art History (No my name is not William Windsor!) does that suddenly give me the right to presume that Leonardo di Caprio (no wait, he was the bloke on Titanic, my bad) Da Vinci was thinking when he painted a particular painting or drew a quick sketch?
I fucking well think not. Not only have I no clue what he was thinking, I really don't care. I appreciate the art, in whatever it's current form purely because I like it and I wish to enjoy it.

HERE IS A MORE RECENT EXAMPLE. I do know, for a fact,  that Jonny Hetherington, frontman for Art of Dying recently penned a song in his pyjamas while smoking a Cuban cigar. He was in his pyjamas because he had recently taken a soak in the tub (he had a cold beer at that particular time)
I know this how?


 Because he Tweeted and Facebooked it to the world.

www.artofdyingmusic.com

 Does that give me the right to have an opinion on what he did in his pyjama period? Absolutely not. Does that give me the right to (as an Art critic) try and analyse why Jonny the artist was in the tub and not taking a shower?

 No, it fucking well does not.

Personally, I will eternally find it mildly amusing, that this particular frontman owns striped pyjamas, but that is my problem and not for your concern!

I will enjoy the result of this sequence of events when the song is on a cd. I will not analyse, nor will I question the artist.

We are all individuals.
We all have different taste.
 Just because, Mr/Miss/Mrs/Dr/Major/ Rev (did I miss anyone?) Critique, your opinion is published does make it the correct opinion, nor does it mean it should be listened to.

My gravy tastes awesome and Art of Dying are kick ass....just in case you care!!

Eternal Masturbation

      I think I have previously explained that my (at this time 11 yearsold, but nearing teenage angst) child has not got the greatest filter.

  So, of course the things that she blurts mostly have no effect on me. It is often what I would describe as selective Aspergers with a twist. She usually only says things once and always (damn it) has a pretty good explanation. Even if the explanation does only make sense to her.

   I'm getting to the point here. We do have to take a step back of probably six months.

   Grade Six. Sex Ed! Which at this time we shall name 'Human Sexuality Education' because the Teacher said so. The 'Teacher', being a woman who also wanted the class to use the word 'well' instead of 'nice' or 'good'..   I was always under the illusion that 'Teachers' taught. This year it would appear not, but that is not a tangent I want to go off on at this point in time.

  So, at the start of G6 we get the letter sent home to notify us that Sex Ed is on the horizon. We sign the permission slip and send it back to school. Now, I really couldn't care less because by this time, Shakka has read quite a huge amount of Tortora and Grabowski's 'Anatomy and Physiology', several books in the series of 'It's not the Stork' and she has been telling jokes filthier than a Coal Miners tadger for years.

  In addition, the word 'Penis' had been bandied around for weeks prior to class so that no one would become hysterical, were it mentioned by a Teacher.

Sex Ed day one. Shakka heads to school and doesn't bat an eyelid...

    Of course Shakka is not your regular 'Sex Ed' student. Opinionated as ever, she had to bring to our attention at the end of day one that this was a huge farce.

    "They separated the Boys and Girls" she raged as she returned home from school after the first day.
"Are they stupid?" pause for a deep breath and back to rage "DO THEY NOT THINK THAT WE ARE GOING TO DO IT TOGETHER?"
   I could not recreate if I tried, my reaction, but lets just say I was close to requiring the aid of Depends from the lower region and I could have quite possibly produced a couple of dozen candles with the amount of snot I was discharging at the head end.

    We survived that and it all went quiet on the 'Sex Ed' front... until last week when another permission slip appeared on the kitchen island.

It was signed, sealed and sent back. Not another peep did we hear, until I goaded a response on the School run home on Friday.
"so, did they split you up again for 'Sex Ed'?", I prompted.  "you know they did" was the response.
"so, it looks like a life of eternal masturbation for you guys" I offered.

 "what a great name for a band!" came the response. "Eternal Masturbation"

      

    

Zakk Wylde, My Birthday Present

A lil vid of me!!

Good morning Majestany Institiute!!!!

I have a new job....
I am on reception (part time) at The Majestany Institute, Moncton campus. A little job to quash my 'bored housewife syndrome', get me back into the world of Aesthetics and earn some pocket money..... a job that this week, successfully delivered the most amazing, unusual/hilarious/weird phonecall I think I shall ever receive!!

Whilst at my desk on Thursday the phone rang (nothing unusual about that, it does it all the time!)
I answered, quickly and politiely.
The voice on the other end said "Mrs Graham?", "yes" I replied........"can you do me a favor?"
Not 100% sure which student this was, but totally confident that it was a student (Majestany Institute is a Hair and Aesthetic school) I told the voice that I would help if I could......

Then it just got WAY weird.....the voice (which was completely serious and totally deadpan throughout the whole conversation) said "I'm stuck in the flush (toilet) and there is no paper, can you bring me some?......"

To say I roared with laughter would be an understatement, but I did so as I got up from my chair and headed to the washroom. Still howling hysterically I passed toilet paper to Amanda (I had realized who it was by now).
Upon leaving another student appeared, also close to hysterics and announced that Amanda had also texted at least two other students to inform them of her plight and ask for help, of course they were so busy laughing about it and sharing the text that poor Amanda had been left sitting on the throne for a little longer than perhaps she had liked.....

Still a source of great amusement the following day, I found out that my laughter was SO loud that Amanda had heard me not only on her cell phone but also in the building through 2 closed doors.....

Awesome!!!

DJ Am (Adam Goldstein)

I was watching the VMA's (MTV video music awards) last week when some rapper guy (I have no clue who he was, there seem to be so many...I know it was not Jay Zee) dedicated his song to the above mentioned Adam Goldstein.

What really pissed me off was the fact that he waxed lyrical about the guy.
(Now he was probably really nice, but he obviously had issues and yes, that is plural!)

Why then did he not also mention to the millions of children and teens watching the show that he had been (and was at the time of his demise) a drug user.
Why was this opportunity not used to reinforce the fact that using crack will ultimately put you in an early grave. Why was it not stated that there are alternative ways to work out your issues.
Why was this guy even mentioned?????

I know he was someones son, brother etc. But for fucks sake, lets stop glamourizing this culture of drug taking and alcohol abuse.
Get this into perspective, share the fact that drug use will kill you and show the deaths of these 'celebrities' as an example of what NOT to do. It may have more of an impact.

At the very same awards show Madonna gave a lengthy and pretty fucking boring speech about Michael Jackson. (Another very troubled person, however one with infinately more talent than Mr AM)
Seemingly at some point during this speech she forgot why she was there and managed to talk for a good five minutes about (you guessed it) Madonna, who incidentaly has got a new single out which sounds exactly like all the stuff she did in the 80's. Some people should just learn to give up gracefully!!!

Where the hell has my spellcheck gone........ I'm posting without correcting then!!!

Dieppe aquatic centre. Dieppe, New Brunswick

What a total crock of shit.


Yes people I am angry, infuriated, pissy...in fact I am downright fucking raging!





This weekend will see the grand opening of the brand new aquatic centre in Dieppe, New Brunswick.





Here are some reasons I will not be attending.

I absolutely refuse to pay 10% more than the residents of Dieppe.

Who the hell do these people think they are (the council, not the residents)?For one thing you have absolutely NO right to ask me for proof of my address and for another I don't see a single resident of Dieppe being asked by the residents of either Moncton or Riverview, to pay 10% more when they visit a local bar or attraction, etc.

I know, lets charge the residents of Dieppe to cross the Gunningsville bridge..

We live in a community that has a large influx of visitor during the summer, they are NOT going to appreciate that bollocks for a second.

I will not, nor have I ever since I was in school wear a fucking bathing cap.

Over the summer I swam in hotel pools, Centennial beach and several fabulous beaches in the area. Not once did I wear a bathing cap and I am female. How many men can you see wearing a bathing cap...We are not in the 19th century in New Brunswick..or are we? Next we will all be required to wear a one piece bathing suit!

Of course if I were completely bald this wouldn't be a requirement. (Is this just my head hair that is being referred to, I wonder?)

What if I am a totally bald guy (or girl, lets not discriminate here) who is hirsute over the rest of his body? Will he/she be required to wrap himself in plastic wrap before entering the pool?

When is this pool actually catering to the needs of the public? I checked the schedule and it seems that it will only be open for approximately three hours a day.. What the fuck is that going to accomplish?

When I lived in Sherwood park, AB, the local pool and fitness centre was open from 5.30am until 11pm(it still is!). This was a project similar to the aquatic centre in Dieppe, but for $8million more there were ice rinks, a fully equipped, state of the art fitness gym, two indoor soccer pitches, a concessions area, an indoor children's play area, an aerobics facility and there were two pools, a steam room, a lazy river, a sauna, a wave machine, a children's wet play area(I could list more but I have provided a link). Childcare was available for a small charge, giving tired Moms a chance to have some me time.

Click on the link to take a peek!

http://http//www.strathcona.ab.ca/Strathcona/Departments/Recreation+Parks+and+Culture/Indoor+recreation/Millennium+Place/default.htm

The entry charge was approximately $8 per adult $5 for a child. For this fee you could stay all day and use all the facilities.

When exactly do the powers that be expect they will turn a profit, or at the very least earn back the hard earned money of Dieppe taxpayers?

It's not as if they turn the pool off to save money when the frigging thing is not open to the public. It is operational 24/7 unless it is being cleaned!

Have they even considered the huge amount of revenue that could be gained from Moms and pre-school kids, day cares, the folk who like an early morning swim before work, seniors in the retirement years..... again, the list could go on.

This has been a farce right from the word go and in my opinion is just a banal attempt at one upmanship.

Well let me tell you Mr Mayor of Dieppe, your attempt is a downright fucking failure.

When it is convenient Dieppe, Moncton and Riverview make sad and pathetic attempts to appear as a united front however if (lets use the Casino as another example) one gets something the others wanted, pacifiers are spat and feet are stamped. Residents are made to suffer and taxes are squandered so that you can once again do one better.

If this had been the money of a private investor deadlines would have been met and we would now have a fabulous fitness centre/pool/community centre that was open to the public when they need it, not when it is convenient.

Below is a link to yet another frivolous spending spree. While on a much larger scale it just goes to show what politicians are able to get away with while spending other peoples cash!

http://http//www.scottish.parliament.uk/business/research/pdf_res_notes/rn01-64.pdf

Finally, I would really like to know how there can be over 300 children signed up for classes and there is already a waiting list, when the facility is not yet open and I have not seen a single newspaper/website advertising services anywhere in the area, nor have I heard a whiff on the radio?

I suppose that none of the children pre-signed are related to Dieppe councillors or their friends and family?

I'm not going to rant on. it's pretty fucking pointless really, the damage is done and another $16million of hardworking taxpayers money has been frittered away by irresponsible pricks who really should know better.

I hope they remembered to claim back their lunch and business expenses while they were working on this project.........

Plastic surgery

Tattoo Man announced on Friday that he was considering surgery to remove his wrinkles..

Without hesitation I grabbed the sticky tape from the kitchen and proceeded to perform a procedure.

Of course I was almost pissing my knickers during the whole thing, but the results were (and this is my own personal opinion) pretty impressive and there was no pain or cost involved.

Botox is absolutely overrated and scalpels should be deposited into the sharps disposal immediately.

Sticky tape is where it's at!!

Peeling the stuff back off was pretty bloody hilarious too.

Look, no frown lines....

Summer

....has seemingly arrived and gone again, without so much as a whisper of "I'm bored" from the 9 year old.

A constant supply of friends to hang out with helped immensely, along with a huge amount of space to wander in and explore.

It would appear that this latest house move was a stroke of genius, unfortunately I cannot take the merit for that and must give the credit to Tattoo man (bugger, bollocks and bitches)

Summer didn't go quite as smoothly as I'm letting on though.

I was unlucky enough to be the driver of my SUV when a young boy ran out from behind a stationary vehicle and collided with said vehicle.

Fortunately he wasn't seriously hurt and it has made me a bit more 'aware' of any movement than I would perhaps like to be while I am driving (and while I am a passenger in any vehicle)

Because of this Shakka had to miss 3 days of summer school at the Theatre, which she wasn't too happy about, but she will doubtless make up for it.

Tattoo man and I managed a whole 2 day break away to attend a fabulous wedding in St. John NB at the end of August.

I have been to lot's of weddings, but never one like this. The whole thing was in the Theatre and it was just unique.

It was very strange being away from Shakka, even for 2 days and she called me in tears on the Saturday with very real signs of homesickness and missing her Mom.

I got up the next morning at 4.30 to go and collect her...yes Mommy was missing her girl too!!

We spent a fabulous day at Riverglade watching the MotoX, resulting in the purchase of a 110cc Kawasaki (pronounced ca wa ski if you are a 9 year old!!), which was ABSOLUTELY necessary, honestly Dad... Tattoo man and me (despite the weight restriction) have had several outings, but alas, Shakka is terrified to ride the bloody thing..is now a good time to say I TOLD YOU SO..

LOOK OUT Kijiji, here I come!!!

Blog has not been too forthcoming, but it`s been as hectic as hell. Not that I'm complaining, this summer has been pretty fantastic.

I will try and step it up a gear once I have completed the final step of my immigration paperwork (citizenship) after the small people have returned to their learning institutions!!

Now I have to apologize, my keyboard has gone funky and is putting the wrong comma`s etc in the wrong places..but you`ll have to live with it!!

HALLOWEEN...bring it on